urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:thrtysevenhicks Sanity is a Full Time Job Dante Hicks 2006-08-08T19:15:17Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:thrtysevenhicks:1121 2006-08-08T19:04:13Z 2006-08-08T19:15:17Z <a name="cutid1"></a><a name="cutid2"></a><br /><br />Dante: i'm up, are you happy man?<br />Randal: it's about fuckin' time<br />Dante: not all of us can sleep when we're dead like you<br />Randal: you should learn such a skill, it could come in handy during the imminent apocalypse<br />Dante: if i'm gonna die, i'd much rather sleep through into blessed oblivion<br />Randal: see that's what i don't get about you, man. you'd seriously want to miss the show of the millenium?<br />Randal: when the rockets are blowing the parkway to bits, you're gonna be in the closet dreaming about sucking cocks? unbelievable.<br />Dante: i don't dream about sucking cocks, randal, but i will be sleeping.<br />Dante: what will you be doing?<br />Randal: me? i'll be watching, as always.<br />Randal: what the hell's up with you, man? you seem under the weather or something.<br />Dante: under the weather? that's a cute way of putting it. i'm fuckin' tired.<br />Randal: yeah, you have your chocolate milk yet, binky-boo?<br />Dante: no, i haven't<br />Randal: better snap to it so you can watch lidsville before school.<br />Randal: okay, so that was never on before school, but i wish it had been. that would've been fuckin' cool.<br />Dante: do not desecrate the joy that was lidsville<br />Randal: hey, i wouldn't dare. i loved that show. every time i ever saw a magician i had to sneak backstage to see if i could fall into his hat and be whisked away to a magical land of talking chapeaus.<br />Dante: i bet he asked you if you wanted to fall into his pockets to see if he had any candy in there, too<br />Randal: fuck.<br />Dante: well, if you want to just lay it out like that, then by all means. candy in the pocket's a little more nuanced.<br />Randal: hey, when do you get paid?<br />Dante: a week, i think?<br />Dante: that's better. he does make excellent fucking movies, i have to say<br />Randal: now we're cookin' with gas<br />Randal: i want to thank him<br />Randal: for making<br />Randal: such excellent fuckin' movies!<br />Dante: entirely appropriate given the nature of his media, but do you have to play it six times a day?<br />Randal: yes, as a matter of fact i do.<br />Dante: you frighten me<br />Randal: that's my job. my REAL job, not my slave wages job.<br />Dante: frightening dante hicks and ruining his life? sounds like a job for randal graves.<br />Dante: where DO your slave wages go, anyway? i've never seen anyone blow through a paycheck faster than you.<br />Randal: no, ruining his life is definitely a job for dante hicks, not randal graves.<br />Randal: good question. i think it mostly goes to doublemint.<br />Dante: i hardly ruin my own life. and the sad thing is, i don't even doubt that.<br />Randal: if you don't ruin your own life, who's ruining it for you? <br />Dante: YOU are<br />Randal: oh let's not start this again. if anything, i make your life better, not worse.<br />Dante: if you say so.<br />Dante: life is shit, randal, and porno, star wars and extended commentary on the nature of people's asses and their emissions only serve as a fine gloss over the pit i'm dangling <br />Randal: dante's inferno. if i'm your virgil, then maybe you should let me take you through the world of ass-to-mouth and failed relationships before we get up to purgatory (i hear there's a good diner there) and maybe even heaven, if we're lucky.<br />Dante: the purgatorio was mild entertainment at best and heaven? blew. boring.<br />Randal: sounds like you've already been there - guess you don't need virgil after all. it's okay, that wood of the suicide always kind of weirded me ou t.<br />Dante: at least it discourages people from actually going through with it<br />Randal: i don't know why anyone would commit suicide. accidental death seems like the way to go.<br />Dante: accidental death? if you consider it, then it's not an accident.<br />Randal: but i wouldn't be considering it. i'd be randal graves, the guy who got pushed off a cliff by a car going 120 mph.<br />Dante: where the hell would you be that something like that would happen?<br />Randal: i dunno. not jersey. sounds like something that would happen in hollywood. maybe i should move to l.a. i hear all the cool kids are doing it.<br />Dante: fuck l.a., man. you think jersey is bad<br />Randal: my cousin walter lived in l.a. for a few years, and apparently he swam in a pool filled with urine.<br />Dante: see? that's something to aspire to in life. <br />Dante: i'm hungry, man. be back in a minute<br />Randal: it was fresh urine, from what he said. freshly peed.<br />Randal: okay. get me a snack cake.<br />Dante: was it an olympic-sized pool or just some L.A. house hole in the ground? here. chocolate.<br />Randal: totally olympic sized, man. this is l.a. we're talking about, not some piss pit in toms river. oooh, chocolatey.<br />Dante: you are so easy to please.<br />Randal: you know it. my girlfriends all said the same thing.<br />Dante: so you're just a man of simple needs, i guess?<br />Randal: i'd say so. it doesn't take much to satisfy me in the end.<br />Dante: a snack cake, a porno mag and an hour of ridicule?<br />Randal: come to think of it, that sounds like the step beyond purgatorio.<br />Dante: just like heaven, i guess. well, for us normal folk who don't understand, you're a puzzle.<br />Randal: my mystery is what keeps me so enticing, my friend.<br />Dante: if you say so.<br />Randal: i do. do you have hockey later? i might join you.<br />Dante: yeah, at four<br />Dante: we need another person<br />Dante: steve's in the hospital with a punctured lung <br />Randal: sheesh, what happened?<br />Dante: he fell off his roof while fucking his girlfriend, apparently.<br />Randal: you're shitting me!<br />Randal: that's the best thing i've heard all day.<br />Dante: you know, normally i'd feel for the guy, but it is just kind of funny.<br />Dante: he's got that whole basement to himself and he chooses to go out on the roof because sheila thinks it'd be "romantic" and ten minutes later, crunch.<br />Randal: let that be a lesson to you, dante. a romantic evening is not worth a punctured lung and a missed hockey game.<br />Dante: hey, i never fucked a girl on my roof. that defies even my questionable logic.<br />Randal: don't get any ideas then. anyone know when he'll be out?<br />Dante: three weeks was what i heard.<br />Randal: sucks to be him, man. but i'll play goalie for ya.<br />Dante: thanks<br />Dante: did my mom fix you breakfast again this morning?<br />Randal: she certainly did. mrs. hicks made me waffles. not eggos, either, but the real deal. you missed out, as usual.<br />Dante: fuck!<br />Dante: you know you COULD wake me up so i could partake once in awhile instead of being a parasitic asshole<br />Randal: i could, but it's far more satisfying to watch you sleep your life away while i enjoy the waffles that are yours by birthright.<br />Dante: and you call yourself a friend.<br />Randal: best friend you ever had.<br />Dante: that's besides the point<br />Randal: i'd say it's exactly the point.<br />Dante: screw you, i'm going back to sleep. see you at four.<br />Randal: you asshole. i'm tying all your socks in knots.<br />Dante: oh, i'm scared<br />Randal: it's not a threat, it's an obnoxious reality.<br />Dante: you <i>are</i> an obnoxious reality, and believe it or not, i've learned to deal with at least a few of your more annoying qualities.<br />Randal: oh really? like what?<br />Dante: tying my socks in a knot, spitting in just about every drink i've ever put in my body and switching the keys around on the register every chance you get, to name a few<br />Randal: you forgot turning off the pelican and not turning it back on so the boss thinks you've been fucking around.<br />Dante: that too<br />Randal: so since you've dealt with all of this so valiantly, are you saying i'm gonna have to up the ante?<br />Dante: au contraire<br />Dante: there IS no ante to up<br />Randal: are you sure about that? i think you're implying that i'm laying down on the job, and will have to rise to new obnoxious heights just to keep you on your toes.<br />Dante: ... randal, i'm going back to bed<br />Randal: are you sure you wanna do that? <br />Dante: YES, i'm sure, and unless you want to join me i suggest you leave, otherwise you'll see dante cock<br />Dante: and we all know how horrifying that is<br />Randal: loser, i've SEEN dante cock, more times than i wish to recount. but what if dante cock wound up crazy glued to his bedsheets by something other than jungle juice? that would suck.<br />Dante: get the fuck out of my room, randal<br />Randal: i've got crazy glue and i'm not afraid to use it!<br />Dante: i'm taking off my pants<br />Dante: you've been warned<br />Randal: i'm taking out the crazy glue.<br />Dante: crazy glue doesn't work on fabric, you idiot<br />Dante: pants are gone. avert your virgin eyes if you're staying in here.<br />Randal: no, crazy glue works on other things though. <br />Randal: :does not avert eyes, instead squeezes bottle of crazy glue menacingly:<br />Dante: *pulls covers over head* really fucking scary<br />Randal: i'll be back!<br />Dante: uh huh<br />Dante: bye bye<br />Randal: :ominously closes door:<br />Dante: *snores*<br /> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:thrtysevenhicks:847 2006-08-07T17:04:26Z 2006-08-07T17:04:26Z "If you are going through hell, keep going," said Winston Churchill. Let that advice be your inspiration in the coming week, Virgo. But wait: Before you jump to conclusions about what I'm saying, know this: Your tests and trials will be far, far less hellish than the ordeals Churchill faced as he led England through World War II. It's true that you may feel a bit tortured in the heat of the moment, though. So don't you dare slow down to feel sorry for yourself or scream at the chaos-makers. Keep plodding forward, secure in my assurance that you'll cross the border and exit out of the infernal regions well before you're exhausted. <br /><br />Acknowledging my own personal hell does nothing for the fact that I'm still <i>in it</i>. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:thrtysevenhicks:532 2006-08-07T04:46:26Z 2006-08-07T04:46:26Z After seeing the supposed sequel to the first masterpiece that Sir Graves and I starred in, I have to say ...<br /><br />That life is the same pile of shit it always is. I can't seem to get a break. Shit, Randal, if I'm working at the Quickstop in ten years you have full license to shoot me in the face. I mean it. You can even write it down for future reference, or store it in that frightening brain of yours.<br /><br />I don't know if I can handle ten years of hermaphroditic porn. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:thrtysevenhicks:460 2006-08-06T18:32:35Z 2006-08-06T18:32:35Z Thanks to Randal the so-called visionary, I've got one of these things now. My heterosexual life partner is of the opinion that two heads are more fun than one, so here I am.<br /><br />I'm Dante Hicks, and my life sucks.<br /><br />That's about it.